Knife fighting is a very macho thing and comes closest to the mating ritual of the African crocodile than any other sport. The posturing and inflating of ego has the effect that the mere possession of the blade will have the effect of total invincibility. This posturing should at all times be accompanied by loud shrieking sounds and shuffling of feet, circling the intended opponent and lots of verbal abuse. The tone of the abuse should be slightly nasal as this has the best affect. Slight slurring of speech also has a mental deranged sound to it so it's good to include this. To improve your verbal abuse skills, you make crank calls to local radio stations and claim to be some kind of alien. If they believe you, you have the nasal and slurring right or the other person is an idiot. You will know because only an idiot wouldn't put the phone down in your ear.

For choice of blades, you will find that functional blades normally have little flash and lots of function .... this is a no-no !!! You want something that looks bad otherwise the intimidation factor is reduced and hells bells, you may actually have to use it !!! Go for one of the Fury or Hibben copies in 420 J steel. Look for plated crossgaurd, wire wrapped grips and some sort of cut out on the blade. Size .... the bigger the better. Don't worry about sharpening the blade ...... this is more difficult than getting the above skills down pat.

I suggest gripping the knife in your hand. I have heard it postulated that reach is increased by gripping with your feet but I assume that you have some cheap Reebok copies on them and don't have time to remove them. I also suggest that you only grip the knife by the handle. Waving a knife around, gripped by the blade has been the cause of some serious injury to innocent bystanders when the severed fingers poked them in the eye. Should this happen, collect the severed fingers and rush over to where ever Bobbit went. Hey, at least you had 10 fingers so even losing a few won't have you in the same class as Bobbit.

Practice the reverse grip ....... this looks very cool while you circle the prey, abusive language ..... damm, I am getting all emotional. This posture is very good for obese/overweight people and shuffling of the feet looks very aggressive with this approach.

The saber grip is only cool if you have done modern dancing or ballet in your youth. Our normal mortal looks like a hippo in a tu-tu as this posture requires nimble foot action. The less handle you can grip, the cooler it looks. Try using only the thumb and fore finger. Don't worry too much if the blade is dropped as your opponent would have been so intimidated by the display that they believe the end is on them and you have now put down your weapon to rip them apart, limb by limb, by hand. If you insist on using the minimalist grip but find it unacceptable that you may loose the blade ........ apply a liberal coating of super glue to the handle. If you have done this, be very careful when you go to the toilet or salute if you are in the military.

There are a few other grips but they don't have the macho image attached to them. To add some weight to your presence, attend one of the free introductory karate/kung-fu or oriental sport classes in your area. Don't worry about learning anything but a few Japanese/Korean words or even better, phrases. In between the slurring, pop them in. You will have you opponent trembling even before you produce the blade.

If you have done all of this and your prey produces some nondescript blade and he hunches his shoulders, doesn't respond and shows no fear, you are in deep $#!%. This would be a good time to discuss your judgment of people but this would fall outside the news group. If he produces some sort of firearm, follow the normal procedure and flash your life before your eyes.

The best would be to loose the blade, claim a difficult childhood, blame society for your actions, claim you voted for Bill Clinton, claim to be a minority ....... just don't stop blaming everybody for your actions.

If all of this doesn't work, kiss your useless ass goodbye ...........

Next instalment .... how to judge your prey !!!

Cheers

Aubrey in South Africa © Copyright 1997 Aubery Moore All rights reserved.
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